Finding refuge is a universal need. True refuge allows us to reconnect with ourselves, offering resources, support, and a sense of life’s potential and goodness.
Without a genuine refuge, we’re guided by the autopilot of our ego, influenced by conditioning, cultural beliefs, fears, and fleeting thoughts. The mind’s inclination is to identify problems and solve them, but when it perceives life as a problem, we end up evading our feelings, thoughts, and eventually our vitality and life force.
Support in Tough Times
During tough times—when confusion, pain, or overwhelming feelings prevail—what do we turn to for solace or comfort? What tools support us? What exactly is our refuge?
In my clinical practice, I have noticed that most people aren’t certain about their refuge.
Taking refuge is central in various spiritual and religious traditions. Christians find refuge in Jesus Christ, Buddhists in the three jewels of Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha, manifestors in positive thinking… Addicts seek refuge in their addictions, be it shopping, sex, or alcohol, even though they don’t work eventually. We all seek something to rely on when life becomes overwhelming. It’s a basic human need.
I encourage exploring what you are taking refuge in during tough times without judgment. And is it helping? We all possess vulnerable parts that react strongly to life’s challenges. What solace or respite can you offer these scared, angry, or sad parts of yourself?
True refuge, I believe, reminds you of your inherent goodness, wholeness, wellness, and beauty. Its name—be it the Divine, God, your true nature, or your open heart, is inconsequential. What matters is if reconnecting with your refuge helps you feel safer to open up, more resourced to embrace your experiences with kindness, and offers the space and energy to stay present with what is arising inside of you that needs care.
Refuge and Healing
Bill Wilson, the Alcoholics Anonymous founder, highlighted spirituality’s importance in addiction recovery. Without a sense of true refuge—one that reconnects you to your goodness and wholeness—all you have are the fleeting ideas and escape plans of your mind, which cannot offer true stability or healing.
I have been contemplating this notion of refuge after working with my student recently in our monthly group. She had heard in a guided meditation she found that it is best not to move in meditation, and she found that prospect pretty miserable. It made me ponder how silence or staying still can unsettle many. These practices aim to reveal our dependence on our small self and the escape mechanisms our busy mind offers. There is a lot of strength and equanimity that can be cultivated by practicing these disciplines, such as not moving when your mind is stirred up, or practicing silence, or breathing into your feelings instead of taking them out on others, etc. We learn that we can just be with experience instead of act out in reaction to it. The container the practice offers is a form of refuge from the whims of our mind.
Through extended silent meditation retreats, I realized my mind constantly sought to avoid discomfort. Slowing down allowed me to recognize how I evaded challenging thoughts or feelings—by distracting myself or seeking quick relief. There’s nothing wrong with seeking solace, but if we perpetually flee from ourselves, we remain enslaved to our mind’s whims. And we never find the true refuge we seek.
Rigorously applying these practices taught me that I don’t need to escape my experiences to be okay. I learned to face challenges with courage, finding refuge in meditation’s clarity and an open heart. Gradually, a profound confidence emerged in these refuges always being accessible. My awareness, breath, and the Earth were constants that nurtured my well-being. Knowing I only had to live one moment at a time made any moment bearable once I found my refuge.
Ride the Waves Course
Observing many without a trustworthy spiritual tradition, I developed the Ride the Waves course in 2020. Modern life often lacks refuges that don’t lead to dissociation or addiction. This course offers tools grounded in human goodness and heart—regardless of specific beliefs—to guide people inward, fostering compassion, openness, and presence.
I teach tools which help individuals cultivate self-compassion, which is invaluable in building resilience. Working with thoughts, experiences, and beliefs in healthy ways empowers people to engage with life more positively. Additionally, I incorporate neurobiologically proven techniques for calming and focusing the mind that can significantly improve mental well-being. I love guiding meditations that cultivate awareness, which can be transformative, fostering a deeper understanding of oneself and the world.
Teaching these tools has been a rewarding experience, reminding individuals of their innate refuge and wellness.
I invite you to join me for the upcoming course in February, where I’ll introduce new practices, both in person and via Zoom.
Free Guided Meditation Resource
I also invite you to try “Holding Your Heart Steady in the Holidays,” my free guided meditation. This meditation will support you in finding your seat, your inner resource and the open wellbeing of your heart amidst the often challenging or lonely season of the holidays. It is also a great meditation for anytime life feels too full or very emotional.
Refuge, love, and wellness are your birthright; they’re already within you. We simply need to remember how to return home to them.
